I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t and this time it isn’t you. It really is me.
I don’t even know when we started this relationship. It goes back as far as I can remember and it has never been good. We’ve never had good times, certainly none that would justify keeping you around for so long.
But I did. And that is my fault. I gave you far too much power. I allowed you to determine my worth. Even on days when I would be feeling my best, one look at you would send me spiraling into a sea of depression.
I allowed you to take from me my best moments. It didn’t matter what I was doing or who I was interacting with, if you said the wrong thing I would be crushed and then impose restrictions on all future activity and enjoyment as a way of punishing myself for not being what I thought I should be.
And where did that come from? When did I start allowing you to control my thoughts and moods? Why are you so hard to get away from?
This hold you have on me is like no other. I want to escape you but then I wonder what I will become without you. There have been times when I have walked away triumphant and in those moments I thought I would be strong enough to never go back, but somehow that has always been temporary.
When I go back to you I feel weak. I feel defeated. I feel angry. I feel like I have failed because logically I know I am worth so much more than what you reflect back to me. And each time I set limits and I say that maybe I will only see you once a month, which becomes once a week and finally once a day or more. Even the times I kicked you to the curb I found myself sneaking to find ways to see you. I would seek you out in grocery stores, at friend’s houses, anywhere I could discretely bring you back into my life until my need for you was so great I would invite you back in.
And the saddest thing is that by definition, you are benign.
It is I who has given you this dangerous ability to affect me, to make me hate myself, to make me doubt, to make me deconstruct myself until I was stripped of anything positive. I turned on myself because of the power I gave you and it has to stop.
I allowed you to assign a numerical value to my entire being.
I no longer wish to look into your cold face and see things that I know have no real meaning. I no longer want to feel my insides twisting into knots.
So after careful consideration and a true head to toe assessment, one that wasn’t based on the things you showed me I have decided that I will remove you from my life once and for all. And before you get things twisted, I will not invite you back. I will not seek you out. I will no longer look into your face, void of emotion.
You do not know me. You are a thing, an object that I assigned a voice.. .and I am silencing that voice once and for all.
I am breaking up with you, Scale.
I will not step foot on you again.
My worth can not be assigned a numerical value.
We are done.
Christie is part of the Contributing Writer Network at Thirty On Tap. To apply to become a Contributing Writer, click HERE