Let That Shit Go

leaves

By Kate

I was in awe on my walk this morning. Well, to be honest, a mix of awe thanks to the vibrant orange, yellow, red, and sunshine all around me, and frustration as my dog pulled to sniff, inspect, and eat each individual leaf we passed. It seems we’re equally enamored with autumn’s arrival.

Being a woman who’s spent her fair share of time scrolling Pinterest, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the quote I’ve saved to at least one, if not a handful, of my boards, “fall shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.”

Watching the leaves dance in the wind and paint the ground around me, I considered all the times I start a yoga class by encouraging that very act of letting go. Of abandoning whatever conversations and events happened prior to rolling out the mat, and of setting aside whatever future items exist on the to-do-list. Of ridding distractions, insecurities, and doubt, in order to make space for movement, breath, and flow.

The sight of the beautiful leaves floating effortlessly around me stirred an interesting mix of jealousy and inspiration within me. Nature was showing me what it looks like to let things go, not just on my yoga mat during my one-hour session, but in my life.

I quickly scanned through all the far less pretty shit I’d love to release so simply and freely. And yet, I hold on tightly to those things. In part, out of habit, in part out of fear, and in part out comfort.

The reality is this: I’ve become skilled at holding onto shit that doesn’t feel good in favor of playing safe. Of saying just enough, but not too much. Of trying just enough, but not too hard. In standing on the perimeter of my comfort zone, and gathering a glimpse of what it might look like to let go, while keeping my hand settled on home base.

Because letting go is scary. Admitting imperfection in ways feels like admitting defeat. And sharing what’s beyond the surface seems like an invitation to really be seen. Which brings me full circle to that whole scary thing.

And yet deep down, I know that until I’m willing to be seen for who I truly am, I’m not really known at all. I think of Glennon Doyle Melton saying that “we can be shiny and perfect and admired, or we can be real and honest and vulnerable and loved,” and I realize that this fall morning is my invitation to let that shit go. For no other reason than the fact that I’m almost 30 years old and I’ve been holding on for long enough.

So here it goes. I rarely feel like I’m good enough. A good enough teacher, or writer, or wife, or daughter, or sister, or friend, or human being. I constantly find myself looking around at others and wondering how they do it so well. It being life. How they speak, write, share, and give so freely and eloquently while I’m lost searching for the right words and the right way.

I fear going forward because I fear that the path isn’t mine. That it belongs to someone else. Someone smarter, more talented, more capable, more beautiful, more confident, more anything that I am not.

And I’m afraid of judgement, criticism, or even worse, failing, because I believe those things to be validation of my doubt. To serve as the ultimate self-inflicted “I told you so.”

But here’s the other thing. The bigger thing. I’m tired of holding on. I’m exhausted by all the time and energy I’ve spent feeling like I’m not good enough. Like I’m not worthy.

So with that, I’m letting go. Not trying to let go, or seeing if I can let go, or loosening my grip. I’m done with that shit.

I’m imperfect and I’m enough.


{featured image via pexels}

6 thoughts on “Let That Shit Go

  1. Annie from Australia says:

    This post will resonate with many of your readers, I am nudging the big 60 and I still find it hard to “let that shit go”. I always marvel at people who can and do let it go, but I honestly find that there has to be a substantial amount of care factor involved in order to not give a shit. Ultimately that is the call here, we just have to not give a shit in order to let go of all the things that we care or worry about. Hats off to those that can but for me I just care and worry about everything and everyone to let that shit go and virtually not give a shit. So I shall be taking my shit to the grave with me, unfortunately or fortunately I am not sure which but I guess I will just go with the saying ” shit happens” and have a grateful day regardless. We are all individuals and if we were all the same it would be a boring old world, nevertheless we are born with genes that determine how we all observe and deal with life, life is easier if you just be you, don’t change a thing you are enough.
    I have just discovered your blogsite and it’s great, I will be sure to follow from now on.
    Warmest Regards from
    Annie in Australia 🌞 🌴 🌊

    Liked by 1 person

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