How to Meditate When You Have Zero Chill: A 10 Step Process

How to Meditate When You Have Zero Chill A 10 Step Process.jpg

By Jillian Stacia

1. Spend weeks deciding on the appropriate style of meditation. Waste two hours of your life trying to find the perfect app. Contemplate going to a silent retreat. Decide to simply focus on your own breath.

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2. Get quiet for 30 seconds. Feel *totally zen*.

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3. Your stomach grumbles. Spend the next two minutes debating what to have for dinner.

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4. Realize your mind has wandered. Snap back to attention with razor sharp focus.

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5. Your dog barks. Wonder if your Amazon package has arrived.

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6. Realize your mind has wandered. Come back to center feeling slightly irritated.

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7. Your nose itches. Think about your dry skin. Think about the lotion your grandmother got you for Christmas. Where did you put that lotion anyway? Think about Christmas. Think about not having saved any money for Christmas. Feel panicky. Wonder why you spend so much money on Amazon. Berate yourself for having no self-control. Surrender to the idea that you will definitely be homeless one day because of your inability to save money for Christmas gifts in August.

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8. Realize your mind has wandered. Feel frustrated. Wonder why you are so bad at meditation. Wonder why your mind won’t shut up. Re-center begrudgingly. Continue to breathe.

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9. Begin to lose all willpower. Check the timer. 2 minutes have passed.

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10. Say fuck it and give up. Go downstairs. Open your Amazon package. Try again tomorrow.

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Jillian is part of the Contributing Writer Network at Thirty on Tap. To apply to become a Contributing Writer, please click here.

{featured image via unsplash}

6 thoughts on “How to Meditate When You Have Zero Chill: A 10 Step Process

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